September 10, 2006
Love, Death & Redemption
Teetering
on the edge… identity, self, being here now… so precious, so fragile…
the slightest breeze, and your GONE. The protections, the
self, those around you, who you thought you are, were, gone… to be
replaced by ANYTHING. Are “you” now a chipmunk, a rock, that
“weirdness” you were afraid of in other people? Now you
become all of that. All that you held sacred, gone too, nothing
there, total loss.How often have you experienced something like this? A profound death, a deep, overwhelming explosion into your psyche, your emotions ill equipped to handle the overload and rapid changing flux of ontological warpage? A whiteout void into total oblivion and/or timeless eternity….
Coalescing out of the timeless whiteness, a sacred breath, a touch of grace perhaps, an emergence of something altogether new, different, alive, glorious, with memories, a past, present and future once again. How weird is that? Archetypes abound, a wizard or an elf perhaps? A feeling of empowerment. For you have gone to the netherworld and returned a hero! A celebration is in order, a round of drinks for your comrades in arms, a fellowship indeed. Ground control to major tom, your home, welcome back!
But that thought lingers in your mind, “back to what?” Is this my life, have I returned or is this my first time here with memories implanted or inherited? Does it matter? Can I do anything about it anyway? Is the solution to kick warp drive back into high gear again? I don’t know. What I have learned is that all the warp drive in the world won’t change this basic buckaroo banzai fact, “wherever you go, there you are”. You can try, so many have tried, to escape the tyranny of the self. Yet, there is this something, Hindu’s call it karma, that keeps bring you back here. And somehow, the more you avoid the here and now, the more you are missing the one thing, the body-being, present moment at the crossroads of spirit and matter, your bodyship that is in fact the very wellspring of the liberation you seek.
Ok, so you hope you took on a better birth than the one before, but you also suspect this time you might have taken on a stray passenger, an alien, or sub-daemon now working its way into the engine room of your root metaprograms. Are you going to be alright with this? Do you have a choice? If we are a collection of programs, and our free-will magickal skills are not all there cracked up to be, what choices do we really have? This is the dilemma, the existential angst, the harrowing horror that you glimpsed on the way out and the way back in. But wait!
The Buddhist say that all of this, all of the programs, metaprograms, crazy out of your mind stuff, the chaos under the hood, it’s all an illusion. What is a seeker supposed to do? Desperate times call for desperate measures. My god, why have you forsaken me? LOVE!
Feel. What you can always do, what you always have a choice to do each and every moment is feel. Feeling is healing. Feel ALL of it, surrender to it. It is in that feeling, that being there for yourself, that healing, true unconditional love truly begins. I can’t say it’s going to be easy. I can’t say what kind of rebirth you are now in, or what it portends, there is no way to know. This is the same for everyone. Too little time to envy those who “seem” to have it altogether, who seem to have everything. Envy gets you nowhere. Perhaps they are none of those things. You are what you are, right here, right now, in this moment, a body inhabiting the physical plane. . Surrender to this moment, the experience of being in a body. You don’t deserve to exist in darkness anymore, but your body knows… Light is right here with you, right now, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE happens, despite the injustice of your situation. Love like there is no tommorow. Love, and you will be set free.
I love what you’re doing here, brother … Keep up the good work, don’t ever stop … the world needs you!
~upwinger
I respect your decision to put away the high falutan ideas some say is our future with real and compassionate insight into the quiet and not so quiet suffering that is hapening all over the world,…in some cases worse than ever…
love you Paul…
Hi Paul,
I’ve shared many of “your” feelings and thoughts in the course of my life. I don’t have any “answers”, but … never knowing where it’s going … sharing your apprehensions, and your decision to surrender NO MATTER WHAT … I’ve got direction.
The new website is a beauty. Congratulations, best wishes, love.
P.S. I was living near Haight and Ashbury on the fifth anniversary ;-)
It seems after years of complete self-serving behavior, mankind is now at some kind of precipice, whatever that may be, in which there will always be time for a change. I am waiting for such a figure, and do not know if I am going to see such in my lifetime. If we could just realize the truth behind materialism and the evanescent world, that would be one step, to finally get out of the way. In everything that will, in fact indefinitely and inevitably, some things never change. Encourage people to live without one single regret at the end of the day, and they will find freedom in the very fact of just being alive. I apologize, I should have introduced myself first. My name is Chris Gilbert and I am going to college right now for a bachelors in theatre arts with a directorial emphasis. I see multitudes living the same life, and it kind of deters me, each time. Reading about consumerism, and the logic behind it conventionally, I just shake my head about mankind. But I’m to enjoy to simplicities throughout life. Am so real, it makes people usually uncomfortable, in the very fact that I just tell it like it is. I don’t know if I am in line to meet anyone I can actually talk to about reality, but know that I will find what I am looking for, when out of years of waiting, in Seattle. After school of course, at Boise State University. I kind of have to stay in this city, and finish up educationally here, so that my mother doesn’t kill herself, as well as any of my friends in Utah. Kind of a strange life, I know. To live just to prevent people from ending their own lives, the incarceration of obligation. Whoever reads this, may your endevours show promise.
paul. i have been looking over your websites for over an hour now. i have never heard of you before. but i very personally identify with the things that you have said. i cannot stand to read new-age pseudo-intellectual mumbo-jumbo. and although you hit all of the same mumbo-jumbo topics i have scanned over for years, you have managed to make it palatable.
having one of these crises tonight, myself, for some reason. dont really know what brought it on. i think i have been slepping too much lately. although a part of me interprets your words as trite, for the moment you have been of service.
dkp
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